If you have just lost someone and you are also the person who has to settle their estate, you may already feel like you are not quite yourself. You forget things. You put off the call you know you should make. The simplest decision feels impossible. None of that means something is wrong with you. It is what loss does to a brain, and it is far more normal than most people realize.
This conversation is the heart of everything we cover about the human side of probate. Jeremy sat down with Dr. Krista Jordan, a board-certified clinical psychologist with a PhD in clinical psychology, to talk through what is actually happening to you and your loved ones during this season, and what genuinely helps. If you only read one thing on this site about grief and probate, make it this one.
This article shares a psychologist’s general perspective for information only. It is not legal, financial, real estate, medical, or therapy advice. For your situation, talk with a qualified attorney, financial advisor, real estate professional, or licensed mental health provider.
Why settling an estate is more than a to-do list
Dr. Jordan describes this situation as a big, messy one with several layers stacked on top of each other. There is the loss of the relationship itself, which she says is its own legitimate process of grief. Layered on top of that are all the logistics of wrapping up someone’s life and affairs, while your own life keeps going. As she puts it, you have essentially picked up a part-time or even a full-time job on top of just living.
Then there is money, which Dr. Jordan notes is a real trigger for a lot of people, and family dynamics on top of that. Her first piece of advice is simply to recognize the magnitude of what you are carrying. In psychology there is a stress inventory of about a hundred ranked life events, and according to Dr. Jordan the very top of that list is the death of a child or a partner. Loss, she says, is among the biggest things any of us will ever go through, and that is before you add the logistics.
What grief actually does to your brain
One of the most useful ideas in this conversation is what Dr. Jordan calls the cognitive load of loss. Your brain holds a map of your life as it currently exists: where you live, your route to work, the aisle the milk is on, your neighbors’ names. When someone is taken out of that life, she explains, the whole brain has to do some reorganizing to remap things around that new reality, and that is a big cognitive drain.
That is why, she says, people in the early phases of grieving, roughly the first six months, are often not as mentally sharp and experience real brain fog. Dr. Jordan shared that after her own mother died she put the frozen peas in the freezer and then put her keys in the freezer too, and could not find them later. The takeaway is not that you are failing. It is that your brain is doing heavy invisible work, so it has less capacity for everything else.
Why we procrastinate, and why it gets expensive
Dr. Jordan explains procrastination plainly. We avoid things that make us feel uncomfortable, which is a very human tendency. When the task ahead carries sadness, anger, or confusion, the mind quietly pushes it to tomorrow, and then tomorrow again.
Jeremy sees the financial side of that play out. In most Texas probate estates, he notes, the bulk of the wealth is in the house. When there is a mortgage, the money covering it is usually not infinite, and the longer things stall the more debts can pile up, sometimes to the point of foreclosure risk and a rushed, far more stressful sale that nets the family less. Dr. Jordan’s point connects the two: the grief fog means you are not clearly thinking through the consequences of delay, so the avoidance and the cost feed each other.
We go deeper on this in [Grief Brain Fog and Probate Procrastination: Why You Stall and What It Costs](/grief-brain-fog-probate-procrastination).
How to make decisions when your brain is overloaded
Dr. Jordan’s guidance here is concrete. When someone tries to make a big decision on the spot while their brain is not functioning at full capacity, she says, they tend to just go with their gut, which is not always helpful. Instead, she recommends scaffolding the decision:
- Lay out the real options plainly, for example do it yourself, hire a company, or another path.
- Build the pros and cons list together, on paper.
- Write everything down, because under cognitive load the brain is not clocking everything and the person will need to reread it more than once.
- Set a date to come back and revisit the decision in a day or two.
She also suggests making things concrete with numbers. Telling someone they will eventually lose money is not the same, she explains, as saying they could lose a specific amount within a specific window. We expand on the decision side in [How to Make Big Probate Decisions When Grief Clouds Your Judgment](/big-probate-decisions-grief-clouds-judgment).
What therapy and counseling actually do
A lot of people, Jeremy notes, never think to reach out to a counselor or psychologist, sometimes because they assume therapy is only for a crisis. Dr. Jordan reframes that. Stress, she says, is squarely the domain of psychology. If you are feeling stressed, you are in the domain of what psychologists and counselors are trained to help with.
In practical terms she describes guiding people through a body scan to notice tension, teaching progressive muscle relaxation and diaphragmatic breathing, and the same mindfulness work many people now know from apps. For the heavier feelings, she describes what she calls holding space: a place where you can say you are angry at the person who died without being told to forgive before you are ready. With thirty years of practice, she says, she can also help people anticipate what grief tends to look like so they do not feel like they are going crazy.
There is a fuller breakdown in [Executor Overwhelm: When and How Therapy Actually Helps During Probate](/executor-overwhelm-therapy-probate).
If you cannot or do not want to see a professional
Dr. Jordan is clear that there is a lot you can do at low or no cost. She points to mindfulness, meditation, and breathing practices that are easy to learn and immediately applicable, and stresses the basics: good quality sleep, exercise, time outside in nature, and limiting alcohol, which she says destabilizes the nervous system. She is also a strong advocate for grief support groups, many of which are free and matched to your specific situation, such as loss of a parent. We collected these into [7 Free Ways to Lower Your Stress While Settling an Estate](/free-ways-lower-stress-settling-estate).
Be gentle with yourself
Near the end, Dr. Jordan offered the line that stays with most people who watch this. Be gentle with yourself. She points out that many cultures have defined grieving periods where you slow down and others care for you, while American culture tends to push you back to the races once the funeral is over. There is not just a cognitive load to grief, she says, there is an energetic one too, and you are simply going to be tired. She also warns about the anniversary reaction, where symptoms can surface a month or two before the anniversary of the death and catch people off guard, especially the first year.
Watch the full video on YouTube: The Psychology of Probate: Grief, Stress, and Decision-Making for Texas Executors
You can learn more about Dr. Krista Jordan’s work at kristajordan.com.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I feel like I am losing my mind after a death in the family?
According to Dr. Krista Jordan, a clinical psychologist, loss puts a heavy cognitive load on the brain because it has to reorganize its map of your life. In the early months that often shows up as brain fog and forgetfulness. It is a very normal response to loss, not a sign that something is wrong with you.
Why can't I get started on settling my parent's estate?
Dr. Jordan explains that we naturally avoid tasks that bring up uncomfortable feelings like sadness or anger, and grief fog means you are not clearly weighing the consequences of putting it off. The avoidance is human, but in a Texas estate with a mortgaged house, delay can also carry a real financial cost.
Do I need to see a therapist to deal with probate stress?
Not necessarily. Dr. Jordan notes that stress is the domain of psychology and a counselor or psychologist can help, but she also describes free and low-cost options like grief support groups, breathing and mindfulness practices, good sleep, exercise, and limiting alcohol.
How do I make a big decision when grief is clouding my judgment?
Dr. Jordan recommends slowing the decision down: write the options out, build a pros and cons list on paper, attach concrete numbers where you can, and set a date to revisit it rather than deciding on the spot from your gut.
What is the anniversary reaction in grief?
Dr. Jordan describes the anniversary reaction as symptoms that can surface a month or two before the anniversary of a death, even for people who felt they had moved on. She suggests expecting it, being gentle with yourself, and lining up some support, especially for the first anniversary.
When You Are Ready, We Are Here
If you are carrying an estate in Central Texas and the real estate side feels like one more thing you do not have the bandwidth for, there is no rush and no pressure. When you are ready, we are glad to talk it through and help you understand your options at a pace that works for you.
Call 512-686-3076 or visit texasprobaterealestate.com whenever the time is right. No pressure, no obligation.